Start at the start, where else?

30ish years ago...

...regaining consciousness, I find my tongue exploring the inside of my mouth, finding the bitter taste of congealed blood, sharp edged stubs of teeth, gaps where teeth once were. Opening my eyes I scanned for even one clue as to what?... just what?... Some distance away I saw a light beam, at an odd angle probing the dark of the night. It started coming back to me. That light must have been my beautiful new motorbike. I took my gloves off, and then my helmet. I noticed I was numb. I ran my fingers through my beard and found bits of tooth mixed with the clotted blood. I looked for more clues - I'm fifty metres from the road; my bike a further twenty metres from me, its once bright eye - shining up into cold night, dimmed, the battery's remaining charge waning; everything still; were all signs, hard to ignore - My Life Wasn't Working.

I had found myself face down in the ashes of my life.

Later that night at a pub about a mile back down the road, a hundred miles from home, after a short sleep I awoke to the very visceral feeling of being pulled down into the end of my life. Then an awareness, 'this is not my time', became crystal clear and immutable. What also became blindingly obvious, was that my life's strategy wasn't working. And as I looked at my situation, a question formed, "What's that about?"

After a couple of years of shaky retreat into what had been before, devoid of real satisfaction or joy, I started answering that question.

This time has been spent getting to know how the space between the ears and behind the eyes, moulds itself out of the whole of existence to see itself as a single, isolated self and the difficulty this delusion creates for itself. I've looked into and involved myself with a number of disciplines to varying degrees.

Meditation, shamanism; various standard psychotherapies, religions and philosophies; interactions with those from whom I've sought counsel and those to whom I've provided counsel, have all informed and shaped who does the inquiring these days.

I can tell you: I'm not the same little headspace that took on this exploration.

I am in my third marriage and I am blessed that it continues to deepen and strengthen in a way I never knew existed; or was even possible. It seems to me that we are all on a fact finding mission with very little guidance about which facts are to be sought and what to do with them once they are found!

It seems life has a few starts. The start recounted above was my second major one. 30ish years before that eventful night, was my first start - at the tail end of a family of four boys in the 1950's. As the youngest of four, life was a mix of joy when included, loneliness when not, and humiliation when one or another of my brothers felt the need for some entertainment.

I quickly became aware of my limitations and rarely risked seeing my strengths, lest it be quickly demonstrated that my best was at least three years behind the ability level of anyone around me. Even when I received praise I couldn't really accept it because I knew they were more skilled than me and so they must have only been being nice (I had no concept that 'for your age' meant anything other than substandard). From the outset of any new undertaking, I assumed an air of knowing nothing (can't go wrong there) or acting the expert (doh!!). This double act was hard work, let me tell you. And as I was to find out; doomed to fail (see above).

Life had been a continual roundabout of getting going, getting bored and getting out of there. Most of the time I had some interest in the work I found myself doing, or at least the money, or at least what the money could get me, and yet before too long, I'd be going and then I'd be gone.

Not only didn't I know where I was going, I never knew where I was. It's like I'd been flushed on a tide of amniotic fluid out the birth canal, into the ocean of life, to sink or swim, at the whim of winds and currents, with no direction home. My relationships were much the same. Twice I was married and each time we made the perfect couple, everyone said so, so it must be true. Oh well. My lack of self location (and awareness) had a lot to do with the lived imperfection.

Still, it was all grist for the mill as I have learnt since my second start.

I still ask myself and others, "What's that about? " This blog is my report on that enquiry. I make my report in good faith, and with at least a little scientific humility - which I've found helps. Within my report I'll look at religion, science, psychology, magic and mystery, love, current weirdnesses (that consistently crop up), and other stuff, all from the perspective of this lay person. I've experienced some weird, wonderful and banal things in my time and they all make me who I am.

It is my proposition that we are largely the result of our attention (or inattention) to that question (and sure, a whole lot of genetic, epigenetic and environmental factors also flavour this stew called me). The days of nature vs nurture have given way to the more natural idea that nature and nurture produce the current iteration of an ongoing process called self.

Relationship will get a good airing. Let's face it no one gets by without it. There have only ever been two things anyone can depend on when exiting the womb; death and relationship. (Forget that bit about death and taxes. Taxes can be avoided - just ask 'The Donald').

Now, a new start; I am submitting, in real(ish) time my report on my inquiry what's that about?